PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
You Might Also Like
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
But I really needed water water water
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?