You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
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If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.