I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
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If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.