For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
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Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.