@Heatinblack

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

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@13spencer

Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.

Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.

@SteveSuckington

[100 year old man on job interview]

“Do you have any references?”

Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

@DanMentos

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

@RadWizzy

*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*

Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.

@Reverend_Scott

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

@amishschool

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

@ChaviStHill

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

@TheTimmyToes

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly