Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
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I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?
-commercial for business cards
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly