Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
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[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy