So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
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I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.