Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING

Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.

What they say: “Parenting is hard.”

What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

[returning from Damascus]

St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”

Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“

St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”

St Ohn: “It’s true”

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.

There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!