You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
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You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
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me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
#dnd #ttrpg
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i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
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My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile