You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
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I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
*turns to camera*
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Name another movie that mislead you?
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space