Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂

Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

ME: *so high I’m screaming*

WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!

[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face

Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

walmart: why do u want to work here?

me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me

walmart: why would u tell us that

me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.

Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die

Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.

Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/

Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.

Name another movie that mislead you?

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space