I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
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Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
#math
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Seas the day!!!!
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.