ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
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turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*