New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
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Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!