Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
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I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.