Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
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The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
This forever.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer