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Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I wish I were this cool 😂
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.