me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
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3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.