You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
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Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
kitchen magnet
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know