Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
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[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.