My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
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Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
A family that plays together cheats.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*