My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
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5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
early stone age tool
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.