got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
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Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
plums roundup
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.