i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
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I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
mom gave me mine for free
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks