I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
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I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]