If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
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5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!