My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
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My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last