Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

Tuesday

[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.

“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.

ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate

COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly

ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here

Me taking notes in a meeting 😅

When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

[running into my ex]

Ex: omg it’s you

Me: yeah

Ex: we should exchange numbers

Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea

Ex: you backed into my car though

Me: look we’ve both moved on

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

I’m putting together a team

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”

-me, walking into the kitchen

mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.