Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
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[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Confused owl: What?!
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
(Electricians.)
saw this in a dream
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.