(Electricians.)
You Might Also Like
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later