(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
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them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Netflix and you sit over there.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
we’re dead?
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.