This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
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If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”