me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
You Might Also Like
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Beards are a privilege, not a right
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast