We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
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Speak now or ever hold your peace
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.