Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
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While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
#parenting
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!