Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
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Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
Just a reminder, folks:
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Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!