It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
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Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
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Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards