Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

A comma is just a period with a mullet.

Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.

Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?

Me: Huh?

Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO

That’s classic.

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.