Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
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her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?