masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
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someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
m’lady