My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
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My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
PLOT TWIST:
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
The best shot in the history of golf
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after