Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
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Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Saw your ex at the shops
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”