I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
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Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
is nasa ok
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.