oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
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“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.