If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
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2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures