If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
not seeing the problem
FINE, I WON’T.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
The first matador
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.