Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
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[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.