My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
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[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Hot Hot Hot
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure