Need tips on making something look like an accident.
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Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I occasionally drink every single night.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like