Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
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*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.