I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
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People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”