Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
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When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Has science gone too far?
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away