Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
You Might Also Like
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars