Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
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My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer