My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
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I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
satan: not today, microsoft teams
How does one answer this?
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I came this close!!!!
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas