what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
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If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.