The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
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My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
fourth time’s the charm
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.