Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
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Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME